Defining Love : A Softer Side of Ms Jacyln

Call it love. Call it stupidity. Call it emo.

But I still love my ex bf, Shady.

And if he was reading this entry right now, this is for you Shady.

" I turned my head to the back and see a glimpse of you from far. I knew our relationship was over as you paced further and further away. But I wanted this relationship. I went to far in to walk back out. So I ran for you. I ran and ran as your face seemed more distant. And during the run, I missed you a lot and the love I had for you kept me running. But, as i run, I see you through your phases of life, meeting other girls and going through your own relationships. I cried because I saw you so happy and al I wanted to do is to run more, to catch up with you and hug you to tell you to not leave me. During the run, I kept thinking why am I like this? And I kept reassuring myself that I loved you. That is why I am trying so hard to get to you. Then I realized something. I stopped. And people around me tell me to keep going if I loved him while some asked me why I stopped. Was it because I stopped loving him? The answer was; No. I loved him too much till the fact that I stopped.

I realized that love isn't all about myself. Love isn't all about what I want. Love was to see the person you love being loved by someone who can provide the happiness you cannot provide. The girls I saw with him made me see that they did not need to take 'the long run' when they already knew the 'short cut' .. while I was the only one running all along..

The girls provided him laughter that I cannot top up and the smile on his face, tells me that he is indeed happy with them.

So i stopped running that day. Instead, I walked the other way.

And there was once, when I wasn't feeling strong, that I turned back to him.. but ever step I took, resulted a pin poked into my heart. I knew, that if I were to run again, I would end up hurting myself.

It was self discovery by myself. I look from far the image of Shady going on with his life. He does turn to me and look at me, thinking why am I not walking over to greet him.

But then again, he doesn't know the pain I go through every step I take to him.

So, Shady, if you miss me, know that I'm always missing you.

If you don't think I love you, I actually do and still love you.

I'm not there with you, but always know that I am far away smiling at you.

I love you